PTSD From Relationships

It is common for people to trigger PTSD from relationships conflict or relationship breakups.

In my experience as a trauma therapist working with clients for 25 years, when you experience PTSD, it’s typically caused for two reasons: 1. The person is not skilled at processing emotions or self-regulating or 2. The person had suppressed early in life experiences that are now getting triggered and re-surfacing.

The question is, how do we resolve it so you can get on with your life? There are many ways to heal trauma, and there are a few things you can do right away to get relief. If you consistently practice what I recommend, you will eventually get permanent relief.
Two high leverage points to make a faster change include changing past beliefs and daily practices that are proven to help a person self regulate better. PTSD from relationships is intense energy that needs to be processed in your nervous system. Focusing on these two areas will speed recovery.

Start with beliefs. Beliefs are thinking patterns that our ego adopts to make sense of the world. The ego thrives on security and will look for ways to preserve our survival. Usually, the ego will adopt patterns through experiences or by following what someone is doing or recommending. The ego will only adopt a pattern long-term if it believes it will guarantee survival. Without practice or reinforcement, it’s highly probable you’ll slip back into old patterns that may simply be temporary coping mechanisms. So you must practice these tools to make them integral to your nervous system.

Beliefs To Adopt That Speed The Recovery From PTSD from Relationships

1. Accept that life will not always fulfill your needs. This is a big topic. Sometimes we can ask for what we want and it comes instantly. Other times we feel victimized because we keep getting the same old painful result. We may never know the real reason this happens, but what I can share is if I have a stronger unconscious belief or pattern trying to resolve itself, it will win out every time. Therefore, it’s so important to never shoot the messenger. Think of triggers as portals. When you get triggered, you now change a belief that needs to be challenged. The more you embrace “what is,” the quicker you get the lesson and begin shortening the feedback loop of manifesting your heart’s desire.

2. People always have a reason they do something. One of my mentors said, “a person will get the lesson when they are ready and not before then.” Studies show we have unconscious beliefs that are getting played out all day long. Neuroscience studies estimate up to 95% of the time we are on default patterns established since birth. Unconscious beliefs or incomplete emotions motivate us outside of our awareness until we wake up to their language and pay attention to them. Blaming others or staying angry only makes things worse for you. I’m not saying you have to “like” others or what did either. No one ever said you have to “like” people. Instead, consider accepting them for who they are being at any moment. And I recommend you surround yourself with people that actually affirm you and you appreciate.

3. It’s the meaning you are assigning to anything that gives it its power. From the moment we are conceived, we are making meaning out of all experiences. We naturally wired to seek any survival mechanism to guarantee our survival. Early in life, this is especially relevant. We don’t have good reflective skills or critical thinking skills when we are tiny. Many of the beliefs we form during these early years may need to be challenged later in life. To get a bead on what patterns or beliefs, just look at the results you are getting and that will offer you clues about which beliefs or patterns you need to question. Any time something upsets you or triggers you, ask yourself, “what is the meaning I just assigned to that?” Then decide if you want to investigate and change that belief.

4. Our bodies take time to catch up with intellectual knowledge. I’ve noticed it takes longer for the body to catch up with the mind. The more practices we do to integrate the body into our thinking processes the faster the body will adapt. One way to accomplish this is to FEEL your experiences and don’t run from them using coping mechanisms. The second thing to do is to FEEL what an ideal outcome would be like. Said another way, when you get an aha or decide you want to follow a different course of action, your body may rebel until it has proved it safe to follow along with your new vision of yourself. When you practice feeling the ideal outcome or the new belief and how it will support you, the body will follow much faster.

5. If I get the lesson this experience is trying to teach me, I will no longer require the Universe-God to keep sending me messengers to resolve it. Don’t underestimate the magnitude of this practice. Dropping into openness and curiosity at any moment takes a lot of repetition, but it’s well worth it. Years ago, I learned to filter my thoughts before I speak out. I get better results when I do this. Over the years, I’ve learned to say less and less. I love seeing myself grow in this way. I can now discern what my intent is behind my sharing. When I get the ego out of the way, I rarely need to offer my two cents.

Practices To Soften And Possibly Eliminate PTSD From Relationships

1. Discern between thinking versus feeling what is happening in your body. Learn to discern between thoughts versus feelings. It seems to be the hardest skill for people to learn. Daily I sit in meditation and practice going between feelings and thoughts. When you can hang out longer with the “felt-sense” or FEELINGS, your trauma will resolve faster and permanently.

2. Learn to stay with the breath and out of thoughts. The breath is the portal to releasing any stuck energy in your body. Learn to track it as you are feeling the uncomfortableness of the experience. Breathe into the intensity even when it is terribly scary. Pause and slow things down if it gets too intense. Don’t be in a hurry. Come back to it later. Just don’t ignore it.

3. Learn to resource yourself to heal PTSD from relationships even faster. Sourcing your own safety and happiness makes life a lot easier. It will help you stop depending on others to show up to give you needed lessons. Instead, focus on owning your experience. Remind yourself, “This is my experience” or “This is a meaning I’m assigning to this situation.” With practice, you’ll eventually see where decisions are going to lead and you can then either abort, change direction, or take the risk with openness and personal responsibility. You’ll also more easily recognize a meaning you have made of something or assumptions you made.

4. Face reality as it is and don’t run from it. This is an important issue for most people. After 25 years of practice, I still have to remind myself to see things for the way they are rather than through rose-colored glasses or ignoring something that will have a big impact on my life. Sometimes, when I’m unsure about something, I override the confusion I experience and say, “It will work out, it always does!” In reality, I’ve just set myself up for some drama that will slow me down in life. In those moments, I remind myself to be present with what is, then drop into the “felt sense.”

5. Stop what you are doing and take the time to process your feelings. Don’t ignore what is happening in your body and do “busy things” to ignore it. Ignoring it makes it worse. Instead, stop what you are doing, then sit quietly somewhere and acknowledge what you are feeling. Breathe into those feelings until you can feel a shift towards the positive happening. Stay out of thinking and instead, focus on the felt sense. Bring your attention to the breath and notice what starts changing. Validate what you are experiencing without interpreting or finding reasons for someone did what they did. I often hear, “They did the best they could” all the while the person saying it just overrode intense feelings. You and your feelings are all that matter at that moment, nothing else. Honor that, and you’ll shift faster.

6. Validate your emotions. In this shortlist, this is one of the most valuable. My rule of thumb is this: anytime I’m having an experience, I validate my feelings. If I don’t, then instead try to override them. It takes longer to get through that challenge. Include early life experiences. If you recognize you are having an experience that reminds you of a past event(s) with a parent that was traumatizing to you, pause and first breathe into those feelings. Next, go inward and have empathy for yourself about those feelings. Then ask yourself, “What did I need back then?” Then imagine that person in front of you and share that out loud with them. Track the feelings in your body after you tell the truth. You should feel stronger. The second step is to watch their face. Then name that, e.g. “When I see you turn away, I imagine you are afraid to tell me the truth. Is that true?” then watch their face again to tell you what’s next. Keep naming the truth using the principles above and see how you feel. Initially, what you experience may feel uncomfortable, but over time, you are going to reap many benefits. That includes learning to articulate your experience, getting more accurate around what is unconsciously motivating you, and resolving things at the moment with people rather than letting things stack up over time and then blow when you can’t take any more.

7. Notice when fear is motivating you. This is the number one issue people have. This morning I was working with someone. She showed she hated her body. As we explored the feelings behind her words, first she wanted to divert the conversation several times. We named that out loud and went back to feeling. After a few seconds, she announced she was furious. We tried being with that for a few seconds, then she reported using language describing a perpetrator. After a couple minutes, I realized she was avoiding simply just feeling and being present with uncomfortable sensations. We went round and round with this pattern for 30 minutes. We kept naming it and always returning to feeling the sensations of what a “disgusting” body feels like. Eventually, when the fear subsided, we then brought in new information. For example, she would say, “I hated my body because at the time I felt bad and didn’t know any better.” or “It was what he did to me that was disgusting, not my body. My body felt confused and helpless.” When connected to your bodily experience, these kinds of phrases change the meaning you assigned to the original events when you felt helpless. Each time my client made these one-breath statements, she had an emotional release. Over time, she will face things squarely and with no hesitation, and then the trauma will shift permanently. The key lesson for my client, in this situation, was to discern between the ego’s (fear) manufacturing something new to distract her from her true feelings and the uncomfortableness of it. The key is to not buy into any of it. Instead, simply breathe and allow ANY energy to just move through you without getting stuck. Any strategies that serve fear will prolong the pain and discomfort.

PTSD From Relationships Summary

It takes time to adopt the practices I am suggesting. I also encourage you to have realistic expectations about how long change can take. Everyone learns at a different pace and in different ways. You may take longer or less time than others. Anything other than just being present with whatever is the ego trying to get away from the experience. We want to train the ego to let go, to surrender. (Unless, of course, you are going to get hit by a car, then yes, get out of the way.)

Your goal is to use the tools I’ve suggested to get closure to whatever is going on. If you have diligently applied the recommendations I’ve suggested, then you’ll sense whether it is possible to get full closure to your unique situation. You actually don’t need other people present with you to get closure. Just be revealing and sincere about any part you have played in the current situation and what you will do next time and let it go. What they do with your clarity is up to them.

The trap to avoid is this: If I avoid facing what the reality is of any situation that is triggering to me, it will continue to circle back until I can face it squarely. The solution is to find some acceptance of what happened that is now in the past, and to be clear about what you want. Learn to sense what closure feels like in your body. Stay curious about what else wants to reveal itself if you can’t feel that sense of closure. Eventually, using one-breath-statements, you will uncover the actual issue. (One-breath statements is a practice I teach my clients in my method of resolving PTSD From Relationships that speeds healing.)

If the other person is “incomplete” realize you have no control over that. Your practice is to just reveal your truth while maintaining a sense of curiosity and openness to what lesson is trying to be learned here. Focus on staying open to new learning that is showing up for you.

When you become fixated on the outcome, you lose perspective. While I know it’s more comfortable and reassuring to predict what will happen or attempt to control the outcome, many times that is not possible. I find it is best to focus on what is in my control and then put my attention on being open to all possibilities. What the other person does is out of our control.